Letters to my Wife, Chapter 3

Well, I understand that the question of purity has to come up at some point, so I might as well dive in. This letter, however, may be the hardest that I write, because talking about sex, intimacy, purity of though, and abstinence is, for me, a very private matter. However, in the attempt at full disclosure, I feel that it is necessary to continue on in honesty.

I saved myself for you - at least I thought I did. Growing up, I had this notion that sexual purity and abstinence was completely a physical thing. I mean, it's not like my dad didn't talk to me about lust or being a gentleman or all of those good things, because he did - quite awkwardly at times. But there are some things that you can only learn through failure that I had to experience for myself.

Recently, God has been teaching me about holistic purity: pure heart, mind, body, and soul. When I started my trek into puberty, I was only focused on one area - body. Dad said, "Don't look," so I tried not to. It wasn't because I didn't desire to look - because I did - but rather because I found myself constitutionally unable to purposefully disobey my father. If he told me to do something or not do something, I obeyed - even to the point of stupidity (but that's another 3 chapters). And I eventually found myself toeing the line, trying to see what I could and couldn't get away with as long as I obeyed my father. What I didn't realize throughout this process, was that I was more concerned about what my earthly father thought, than what my Heavenly Father though.

You ask, "Bryan, if you didn't touch her inappropriately or engage in sex outside of marriage, then how did you go wrong?" And my response would be, "In every way."

My father taught me to be a gentleman. I know that this is a lost cause in today's society, but I still believe in the virtue of chivalry and taking responsibility for one's actions. In my quest to become the man that my father is, I did just as much damage as good. How? By objectifying women, by selfishly making every relationship about me, by falling into the same traps that Satan lays for every other person out there. But worst of all, by thinking that I was superhuman.

Objectifying women is not just about physical appearance - although that also happened. Women desire to be loved, right (or so I'm told)? So how is keeping a young woman around just long enough to feel the warmth of a relationship and then leaving because you're not sure she's the "right fit" giving love? Wouldn't the better symbol of love be one that keeps you apart until you're sure? Caring more about her thoughts, feelings, and reactions more than giving in to the intimacy that you long for?

All of these thoughts bring me back to a central purpose in purity: a person can only be pure when then have emptied themselves of all inconsistencies and deformities. Because we are born into sin and have the impurities because of it, we can only be pure through remaining in God's refining fire. And that, my dear, is my new commitment to you - that I will allow God to purify me, so that I am no longer worried about my own sense of accomplishment. Nothing else really matters...