Letters to My Wife, Chapter 2

At the beginning of our relationship, we said that our relationship would be founded on Christ. To be honest, I absolutely love that about you; but we both know how difficult that was for us. Our dating and engagement seemed like an eternity of waiting, trying to remain pure, but we are better because of it and I thank you for that.

John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” When we were dating, I often wondered why it was so difficult to love you unconditionally. I mean, seriously, I would have done anything for you. I would have taken a punch, a bullet, a bad comment - anything! But it took me a really long time to fully comprehend the idea of laying down my life for you. I understood the concept, but in all practical terms, I was unwilling to lay my entire life down for you.

There were times when I felt as if you had cut me out of your life (however brief those experiences might have been) or rejected me as a person and I didn’t understand why that would happen. I had told you that I would lay down my life for you, so why wouldn’t you do the exact same for me? And as often as I came upon these thoughts (and you know that my brain rarely shuts off), I just as frequently found myself completing an illogical circuit of reasoning. Despite the fact that I was willing to lay down my physical life, I had reservations and conditions on laying down the rest of my life.

Every unreasoned action, every inappropriate comment, every illogical conclusion on your part presented a condition on my part. I was only willing to concede to you the things that made sense to me. When you had to work through a problem, I only listened to the point of fixing it. When you dealt with a rough day, I only gave you space or comforted you to the point that I was not put out. When you were spontaneous in your life, I only joined along until I felt like an idiot.

But laying down my life for you soon began to change and take shape. As I grew more comfortable with who I was as a person, I realized that I could join in on your spontaneity, because it meant that I had a chance to share a moment with you. I was able to listen with fewer thoughts of fixing, because I realized that God was the only one who could shape you. And, I learned the appropriate times to console you and when to just keep my stupid mouth shut.

It wasn’t easy for me, and from the fights and quarrels that we went through I know it wasn’t easy for you. But we made it…eventually. And we are definitely the better for it. If someone were to ask me how I love you, I would answer that it is with fury tempered with patience.

I’ve often wondered why you stuck around so long, but have concluded that you saw something in me that presented a spark of hope. Now that I’ve achieved perfection (obvious sarcasm for any novice reading this), I realize that I love you more than day one and wouldn’t have taken any other journey to get there. So as we continue to walk this road, just remember that God is the glue that keeps us together long enough to work out our stupid idiosyncrasies.

Letters to My Wife, Chapter 1

First of all, I love you - immensely. I am super-excited about us getting to share our lives together! The wait to intimately share my life with my wife has been excruciating, but I know that God allowed my patience to be tested in order to refine me for you. If I told you everything right now, you would have this marriage annulled, so I’ll just start with the simple stuff.

Apparently you like me, because we wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. But you have to know, that I liked me a lot too. In fact, I liked myself so much so that God decided that He needed to trim me down to size. I can truly tell you that it was the hardest thing that I have ever been through.

Pride has always been my weakness, and will probably continue to be so. I hate the fact that something has had such a huge hold over my life, but the reality of humanity shows that each of us have something. Mine happens to be something quite public at times, but also gives me much fear in honestly opening up to others.

I went through an extreme time in my life in which God disassembled my life (much like a car), repaired and replaced parts, and then reassembled me in a way that would be more pleasing to Him. During the process, I did a LOT of waiting around. It was as if I was in the waiting room of an auto body shop, but couldn’t leave until my car was completely done. And unfortunately, it took more that one day for me to allow God to finish the job.

He will still continue to work in my life, but for now, I am satisfied that His lessons for me have not been wasted. God spent much time teaching me to love. Since love does not come naturally to me, learning to love freely and fully was sincerely painful. I had learned to isolate myself from the rest of the world as a coping mechanism for loneliness, so trying to bring people back into my life was difficult and not something that I realized I was in need of.

But, in order to learn to love you, I had to learn to love myself a little less. Not to keep repeating this, but I loved myself a lot. Cutting myself out of the picture was like cutting off a limb. When people lose a limb, they often try to re-use the ghost limb - and that was what life was like for a long time. I didn’t know how to act if I wasn’t in the equation.

As God taught me about unconditional love, I realized that I would not be able to grow unless I completely let go of myself. And that meant loving you, even if you didn’t love me back yet. It also meant loving the unloveable. I was very vividly reminded of the fact that even the heathen love the lovable, but if I wanted to separate myself from the rest of the world, then I had to start loving the people who were getting “in the way” of my life.

My life was ordered, structured, and neatly set to allow me to anticipate what would happen from day to day; but I didn’t realize the impact that my own selfishness was having on everyone around me. In an attempt to classify and identify my world, I had alienated the people that were most dear. And, the only way that I could find you was to reconnect myself to the rest of the world around me. I know that sounds weird and counter-intuitive, but again, I could only find myself after I let go of myself.

But this I was willing to do, because I knew that you were completely worth any wait that I had inadvertently initiated through my own stubbornness. If you take anything from this chapter, it’s that my entire heart’s desire is to love and know you (obviously this is in addition to my love for God). What seemed like an eternity of patience has revealed itself to be a testing period - one that I would suffer again if it meant having you. Again, I love you, and look forward to the rest of our lives together.

Asking Too Much?

I was hit with a brick this morning as I taught out of II Kings 20. Hezekiah - a good king as far as the writer is concerned - was ill and told by Isaiah that he would not live much longer. In Hez's desire to live longer, he asked God to consider all that he had done and let him live. I mean, after all, was he not God's man? So God granted his request and before Isaiah had left the palace, God told him to turn back and tell Hez that he would live for another 15 years.

Interestingly enough, while he was allowed to live, Hez showed the envoy from Babylon everything that there was to see in the kingdom of Israel. In his desire to show off the riches that had been restored to Israel, he allowed the enemy to get in and make an assessment of the value and strength of Israel.

I've wondered about whether or not Hez was actually bosting or giving God the honor/glory, but my guess is that it was a moment of pride - something that he did b/c of where the Israelites used to be. They were down and barely surviving, and then God restored them to a place of glory. Through this, he inadvertently let the enemy see his weakness and thus opened Israel up to another invasion.

I've also been wondering about God's perspective in this whole thing. Did God say, "You want it? Fine - you get it," when he spared Hez's life? Was God cynical about the whole thing? Obviously God knew what was going on and what would happen in the future, but why did God really allow Hez to live? Was it just the catalyst for the invasion?

And now getting to the point of our lives...how often have we said, "God, just give it to me b/c I'm your child," and then received His gift to later wonder why we asked in the first place? Every good gift comes from above, but do we ever ask for too much? Sometimes when we ask, God allows us to have what we want, even though He knows that it may eventually trip us up in the future. It's like a kid asking for another piece of pizza after they've already had 3. Although we know they will be sick after eating the fourth piece, they relentlessly continue asking, because they really, really want it. So we allow them to have it and then sit back and laugh as they look miserable for the rest of the night.

Is that what God was thinking? Is that how He responded? Or was it merely an innocent, "Yes, my child, you may have the desire of your heart"? I'm just thinking out loud - I don't actually have an answer... :)

Neighborhood Spectacle

So, when my brother asked me to help trim the trees in our parents' yard, I didn't think that it would be this kind of experience...

If you know me well enough, you understand that I come from and live in a multicultural neighborhood. Doesn't really bother me much, so when people ask why I'm the only white guy on the block, it almost makes me wonder why they can't see for themselves. Bottom line, it's what I'm used to.

We went into the back yard with the saw and clippers and got everything set to work. We could smell Grandpa's (that's what we call the elderly Asian gentleman that lives next door) pipe tobacco and knew it was gonna be a good afternoon. Since both of us are so adept at trimming trees, neither of us thought anything about just whacking off the first limb that we could reach.

I'm generally considered the muscle of the family (satirical jest), I was the one who got to cart all of the hewn branches out to the street for the trash pick-up day. Actually, I think it was because Nate didn't trust me with the saw - don't blame him. On my first venture to the other side of the fence I had no idea that I would encounter such a fascinating sociological study. Rounding the corner, I immediately saw the family next door turn and stare. Normally a lot of people stare...so why was this different?

Each time that I went to neatly stack the branches out by the street, I was always conscious of eyes following me. In fact, at one point, Nate came out with me and commented that they must not have had a TV, because they couldn't stop watching us. One of the men, presumably in his 40's, literally stood in the middle of the lawn watching us. Sometimes his arms were folded as he watched with amusement on his face, while during other times he was on his cell phone...still watching.

I can't remember the last time that someone took such a fascinating interest in the trimming of trees, but I have to be honest, it was a little awkward. To have an entire family out on the front lawn watching us was just a different experience. Were they judging us for not doing it correctly? Were they simply amused? Was it just a fleeting attraction that allowed the passage of time? I'd like to say that I have an answer, but I think I'm still in awe. For whatever reason we were the neighborhood spectacle for an evening...oh well.

The Mystery of God

D. L. Moody was asked to explain a passage in the Bible and his response was, “no.” When the person, who was obviously shocked ask why such a learned person could not explain God’s word, he responded that if we were to know everything about God, that there would be no need for the Bible. He also related that if the young man wanted the answer, that he should ask God directly.

Considering all that I still have to learn about God, it’s amazing that my head has not yet exploded. I love God; I know that He cares for me. I know that His desires for my life are greater than my own; but for some reason, I have always had this idea that I knew what God’s ultimate goals were for my life. I had it set in the back of my mind: I know God and therefore I expect that He should bless me as His child.

Well…Proverbs 3:5-6 has a new meaning in my life today. Trusting God means more than just saying, “I’m your child.” In fact, it means that I will never, EVER, know all that there is to understanding Him, but allowing Him to still guide my life. It means that if I truly desire to follow Him, that I will completely leave my life in His hands.

For all of you control freaks out there, I’m sure you’re wondering why on earth we would give up the control. For all of you that could care less, you’re wondering why this is even an issue. The reality is this – my understanding is sooo much smaller than I originally thought that if I were to rely on just MY understanding of every situation, then I would literally run my life into the ground. I could name examples, but I don’t feel like being THAT vulnerable today. Suffice it to say, if we ran the heavenly battle on my brain, Satan would have won.

So, when I consider the mystery of God – who He is, why He exists, how He works – I have to just sit. I will never understand the depths of His might, power, and grace. Oh – and on the subject of grace, I should remind us all that it’s free. We didn’t deserve it and God gets nothing by giving it. It’s just His free gift.

I hope that you rest in Him this weekend. I hope that your life is more fully developed through resting in and considering who He is. He gave so much for our salvation, and while I don’t understand why He would even care enough about me to do so, He did. Mystery solved.