The Eel Man

Once upon a time, when I was much younger and much leaner, I went to Disneyland. Now, for those of you that know me, you will recognize the significance of this story as it relates to the joy in my life. I am an avid Disneyland fan for many reasons, one of which is Space Mountain (information on this ride will be forthcoming with a new post). The most amazing ride - EVER. But, I digress..

It happened on a warm evening in May, around the time of my younger sister's graduation. The entire family (including extended family) were gathered at Disneyland in celebration of my younger sister's accomplishment. I won't go into details about her flaunting the fact that she graduated in 3.5 years, while I only did it in 4, because this story needs to contain the joy of my life through this time. We had gathered on Main Street to watch the Princess Parade - no, it was not my idea, nor my choice. While waiting we entertained ourselves with the priceless tricks from the magic shop. Tricks like...the dollar snatcher.

After waiting for about 20 minutes, the music finally came through the speakers on the street and the announcement that the parade was starting brought joy to our hearts (yes, this is a moment for Leonard to hold up Sheldon's sarcasm sign). The parade began and carried on with it's usual girlishness (despite the number of male dancers observed making a mockery of everything we consider to be masculine). About halfway through the parade came Ariel float (from the Little Mermaid for those of you less versed in Disney mythology).

At this point in the parade I didn't think anything of the Ariel float, because I didn't like the movie. Well, I take that back - I probably looked upon it with distaste. But while carrying on in my semi-conscious state, I was surprised with a sudden fear that usually accompanies those closest to death. There...staring straight at me were two beady, yellow eyes. Never had I seen anything so gross as these bulging eyes. I was immediately conscious of other pairs of eyes upon me as my family watched with horror and anticipation. Slowly the fear in their eyes turned to laughter as they watched the following scene play out.

I followed the yellow eyes to their owner - an eel. I followed the eel, suspended as it was from a pole, to its owner - a man. I remember, very vividly, the look of the man as he peered down into my eyes for what seemed an eternity. He was of dark complexion and slim - not fit, but rather gaunt. His lack of girth also contributed to his slender head and the way that his own eyes bulged out looking back at me. In retrospect, I am unsure as to whether or not his eyes were bulging out of passion or merely physical appearance. In any case, it seems as if he was intent on staring me down.

He wore a body stocking that hugged his body very nicely (speaking in terms that women would understand, for I was not attracted to him). The blue and purple body stocking included a cap, which sealed off his head and made him look as if he were wearing plastic wrap, rather than a costume. I include these minute details, because they help to transfer the reader to another place and time - one that I was extremely anxious to leave.

So that is his description. Now I shall relate to you his actions...

His lips were pursed as if showing off his best fish face. I remember that part, because I thought he wanted to kiss me. His body waved to and fro as if he were a member of the ocean community, just going with the flow of the tide. And there was something about his hips...they rocked with the attitude of lust, rather than the grace of a dancer. His body and limbs all formed one cohesive unit with the eel, so as to transfer his rocking motion from the hips to the lips of the animal. Since the lips of the eel were the closes unit to me (a mere 2 inches away), I found it hard to pull myself away. I was drawn in as the bugs are drawn to the light.

During this entire escapade, I wondered what my family was doing. Surely they hadn't left me all alone with the wolf! As I peered out of the corner of my eyes, I could see them, chuckling violently and holding their sides so that their stomachs wouldn't burst. Did anyone support me? NO! Did anyone find a way to distract the eel man? Absolutely NOT! There I was, a mockery of all things foolish, set up on display for the world to get a laugh. Even now, I can't live up to the shame of those two dreadfully long minutes of terror. Anytime the eel man is brought up in casual conversation, I find my face going flush and my mind starts to spin. Trust me - it's not out of desire for the man, but rather the humiliation of having him come on to me so strongly.

If there is any consolation, it is this - that you might get a chuckle from the pain of my past. I hope you enjoyed this session as there will be more to come. Until then, God bless!