Servitude

While reading Psalm 143, I was reminded of a concept that I had let slip away from my conscious thought. The Message states it in this way, "Keep up your reputation, God - give me life! In your justice, get me out of this trouble! In your great love, vanquish my enemies; make a clean sweep of those who harass me. And why? Because I'm your servant" (vv. 11-12). Why should God even consider any of this?? Because I have given my life in service to Him.

Servitude to Christ seems to be a lost art. In fact, in the United States, you rarely find someone willing to give themselves over as a slave to Christ. We give service to sin; we give service to others; we even give service to ourselves; but we don't give service to Christ. My question is "why"? Why am I (are you, are we) unwilling to give ourselves in complete surrender to Christ? And lip service doesn't count!

I'd like to consider the life of a real slave - someone in bondage to sin. You can take any sin, but for the sake of painting a clear picture, I'm going to use a very visual sin: sexual bondage. Now, most of us don't always think of fornication or adultery as bondage, but in truth it is. Giving oneself to someone in this manner (at least as far as the Bible is concerned) is the same as connecting or chaining or gluing ourselves to them. We have formed a connection that cannot be severed without pain, loss, and torture. In fact, when the person does separate from the other, they are continually reminded of the experience(s), because it is ingrained into their memory.

Now, consider this same act with multiple partners and you can begin to see why people are drawn to sex. It's no longer about the pleasure of the act, but rather about continually trying to fill the void of separation that has been formed from the first moment. To find healing, one can only turn to God, our true Healer. But, as a statement of self-worth and value, we tell ourselves that we can fix it on our own, and thus perpetuate the cycle.

Whether you see it now or not, this has an extremely negative effect on our emotions, our well-being, and our spiritual condition, because we have allowed someone else (or multiple people) to control our thoughts, feelings, and circumstances. When Paul tells us to take every thought into captivity, it's not for the sake of legalism, but rather for the purpose of pulling us out of the mire into which we continually sink on our own. This is the negative form of servitude.

But please allow me to consider the opposite - the positive form of servitude. If we were to take all of the energy and life that we pour into negative services and were to pour them into our service for God, all of the negative emotions, thoughts, and experiences would now be changed into positive ones. Servitude, or slavery, to God is no longer seen in the context of giving up our lives, but rather under the view that we are greatly impacted for the better because of knowing Him. Our weakness becomes our strength in Him. The more that we attach ourselves to God, the more that it hurts to tear ourselves away. The more that we glue ourselves to Him, the more we feel the hole of His absence. Through our bondage (consider the bonding process in this analogy) to Him, we have thus enable Him to be the one that controls our thoughts, feelings, and circumstances.

If I were to logically conclude that one view is better over the other, I can't deny the fact that allowing the Supreme Being in the universe to control my actions is an amazingly good thing. I can allow bondage to sin or I can allow bondage to God. When looking at this from a purely rational view, I have to judge that the only way to better my life is through service to God. Therefore, if I am to follow the footsteps of David into willful servitude of God, I have to stop thinking like Bryan. Interesting concept, ya?

Letters to my Wife, Chapter 3

Well, I understand that the question of purity has to come up at some point, so I might as well dive in. This letter, however, may be the hardest that I write, because talking about sex, intimacy, purity of though, and abstinence is, for me, a very private matter. However, in the attempt at full disclosure, I feel that it is necessary to continue on in honesty.

I saved myself for you - at least I thought I did. Growing up, I had this notion that sexual purity and abstinence was completely a physical thing. I mean, it's not like my dad didn't talk to me about lust or being a gentleman or all of those good things, because he did - quite awkwardly at times. But there are some things that you can only learn through failure that I had to experience for myself.

Recently, God has been teaching me about holistic purity: pure heart, mind, body, and soul. When I started my trek into puberty, I was only focused on one area - body. Dad said, "Don't look," so I tried not to. It wasn't because I didn't desire to look - because I did - but rather because I found myself constitutionally unable to purposefully disobey my father. If he told me to do something or not do something, I obeyed - even to the point of stupidity (but that's another 3 chapters). And I eventually found myself toeing the line, trying to see what I could and couldn't get away with as long as I obeyed my father. What I didn't realize throughout this process, was that I was more concerned about what my earthly father thought, than what my Heavenly Father though.

You ask, "Bryan, if you didn't touch her inappropriately or engage in sex outside of marriage, then how did you go wrong?" And my response would be, "In every way."

My father taught me to be a gentleman. I know that this is a lost cause in today's society, but I still believe in the virtue of chivalry and taking responsibility for one's actions. In my quest to become the man that my father is, I did just as much damage as good. How? By objectifying women, by selfishly making every relationship about me, by falling into the same traps that Satan lays for every other person out there. But worst of all, by thinking that I was superhuman.

Objectifying women is not just about physical appearance - although that also happened. Women desire to be loved, right (or so I'm told)? So how is keeping a young woman around just long enough to feel the warmth of a relationship and then leaving because you're not sure she's the "right fit" giving love? Wouldn't the better symbol of love be one that keeps you apart until you're sure? Caring more about her thoughts, feelings, and reactions more than giving in to the intimacy that you long for?

All of these thoughts bring me back to a central purpose in purity: a person can only be pure when then have emptied themselves of all inconsistencies and deformities. Because we are born into sin and have the impurities because of it, we can only be pure through remaining in God's refining fire. And that, my dear, is my new commitment to you - that I will allow God to purify me, so that I am no longer worried about my own sense of accomplishment. Nothing else really matters...

Spiritual Constipation

I started thinking about how I haven't had a chance to blog in awhile and my brain suddenly hit a spark - maybe you haven't been able to write, because you're constipated...spiritually of course. I mean, I've had a ton of ideas, but haven't been able to set any down. So it dawned on me that there could be more to the absence of new blogs than meets the eye. Recognizing that I don't necessarily want to be gross on purpose, the idea of spiritual constipation seems to be the only explanation that I can come up with.

Have you ever been at a place in life in which everything around you was so annoyingly obvious that you couldn't see the forrest through the trees? I've found that the annoyance of unaccomplishment (don't care if it's a real word at this point) seems to be the most intriguing part of this situation. But as I consider these ideas, I am reminded of a statement by John Ortberg,"If you need to try harder, then try harder. If you need to try softer, then try softer."

Which drives me to another conclusion...If I'm the one doing the trying, I'm not allowing God to do anything. Now, this is not an argument for challenging God, nor is it an excuse for not trying. But it does remind me that Christ requests that we allow Him to share our burdens - you know - something along the lines of "My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

So I am challenged to find a way through this. I have the option to rely on Christ and I have the alternative of trying to do it myself. If I really care enough about myself to make the change, then I have to consider which option has more spiritual fiber. There is no way that anything involving myself is spiritually good, because I know from past experiences that I am mostly junk food. Therefore I am left with only one option: relying on Christ. Don't get me wrong - I don't think that this is a bad option, nor do I consider it a last alternative. I'm merely stating that after exhausting all possibilities on my own, it's time to reconsider God's request for a meaningful relationship with me.

I have no idea if any of you are spiritually constipated, but I offer this - Christ died so that our burden would be easier. There was no way for us to meet God on our own, so He gave us a solution that was perfect. Resting in Jesus' power seems to be elusive if we cling to our own. So let go of yourself and rest in Him.

Letters to My Wife, Chapter 2

At the beginning of our relationship, we said that our relationship would be founded on Christ. To be honest, I absolutely love that about you; but we both know how difficult that was for us. Our dating and engagement seemed like an eternity of waiting, trying to remain pure, but we are better because of it and I thank you for that.

John 15:13 says, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” When we were dating, I often wondered why it was so difficult to love you unconditionally. I mean, seriously, I would have done anything for you. I would have taken a punch, a bullet, a bad comment - anything! But it took me a really long time to fully comprehend the idea of laying down my life for you. I understood the concept, but in all practical terms, I was unwilling to lay my entire life down for you.

There were times when I felt as if you had cut me out of your life (however brief those experiences might have been) or rejected me as a person and I didn’t understand why that would happen. I had told you that I would lay down my life for you, so why wouldn’t you do the exact same for me? And as often as I came upon these thoughts (and you know that my brain rarely shuts off), I just as frequently found myself completing an illogical circuit of reasoning. Despite the fact that I was willing to lay down my physical life, I had reservations and conditions on laying down the rest of my life.

Every unreasoned action, every inappropriate comment, every illogical conclusion on your part presented a condition on my part. I was only willing to concede to you the things that made sense to me. When you had to work through a problem, I only listened to the point of fixing it. When you dealt with a rough day, I only gave you space or comforted you to the point that I was not put out. When you were spontaneous in your life, I only joined along until I felt like an idiot.

But laying down my life for you soon began to change and take shape. As I grew more comfortable with who I was as a person, I realized that I could join in on your spontaneity, because it meant that I had a chance to share a moment with you. I was able to listen with fewer thoughts of fixing, because I realized that God was the only one who could shape you. And, I learned the appropriate times to console you and when to just keep my stupid mouth shut.

It wasn’t easy for me, and from the fights and quarrels that we went through I know it wasn’t easy for you. But we made it…eventually. And we are definitely the better for it. If someone were to ask me how I love you, I would answer that it is with fury tempered with patience.

I’ve often wondered why you stuck around so long, but have concluded that you saw something in me that presented a spark of hope. Now that I’ve achieved perfection (obvious sarcasm for any novice reading this), I realize that I love you more than day one and wouldn’t have taken any other journey to get there. So as we continue to walk this road, just remember that God is the glue that keeps us together long enough to work out our stupid idiosyncrasies.

Letters to My Wife, Chapter 1

First of all, I love you - immensely. I am super-excited about us getting to share our lives together! The wait to intimately share my life with my wife has been excruciating, but I know that God allowed my patience to be tested in order to refine me for you. If I told you everything right now, you would have this marriage annulled, so I’ll just start with the simple stuff.

Apparently you like me, because we wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. But you have to know, that I liked me a lot too. In fact, I liked myself so much so that God decided that He needed to trim me down to size. I can truly tell you that it was the hardest thing that I have ever been through.

Pride has always been my weakness, and will probably continue to be so. I hate the fact that something has had such a huge hold over my life, but the reality of humanity shows that each of us have something. Mine happens to be something quite public at times, but also gives me much fear in honestly opening up to others.

I went through an extreme time in my life in which God disassembled my life (much like a car), repaired and replaced parts, and then reassembled me in a way that would be more pleasing to Him. During the process, I did a LOT of waiting around. It was as if I was in the waiting room of an auto body shop, but couldn’t leave until my car was completely done. And unfortunately, it took more that one day for me to allow God to finish the job.

He will still continue to work in my life, but for now, I am satisfied that His lessons for me have not been wasted. God spent much time teaching me to love. Since love does not come naturally to me, learning to love freely and fully was sincerely painful. I had learned to isolate myself from the rest of the world as a coping mechanism for loneliness, so trying to bring people back into my life was difficult and not something that I realized I was in need of.

But, in order to learn to love you, I had to learn to love myself a little less. Not to keep repeating this, but I loved myself a lot. Cutting myself out of the picture was like cutting off a limb. When people lose a limb, they often try to re-use the ghost limb - and that was what life was like for a long time. I didn’t know how to act if I wasn’t in the equation.

As God taught me about unconditional love, I realized that I would not be able to grow unless I completely let go of myself. And that meant loving you, even if you didn’t love me back yet. It also meant loving the unloveable. I was very vividly reminded of the fact that even the heathen love the lovable, but if I wanted to separate myself from the rest of the world, then I had to start loving the people who were getting “in the way” of my life.

My life was ordered, structured, and neatly set to allow me to anticipate what would happen from day to day; but I didn’t realize the impact that my own selfishness was having on everyone around me. In an attempt to classify and identify my world, I had alienated the people that were most dear. And, the only way that I could find you was to reconnect myself to the rest of the world around me. I know that sounds weird and counter-intuitive, but again, I could only find myself after I let go of myself.

But this I was willing to do, because I knew that you were completely worth any wait that I had inadvertently initiated through my own stubbornness. If you take anything from this chapter, it’s that my entire heart’s desire is to love and know you (obviously this is in addition to my love for God). What seemed like an eternity of patience has revealed itself to be a testing period - one that I would suffer again if it meant having you. Again, I love you, and look forward to the rest of our lives together.

Asking Too Much?

I was hit with a brick this morning as I taught out of II Kings 20. Hezekiah - a good king as far as the writer is concerned - was ill and told by Isaiah that he would not live much longer. In Hez's desire to live longer, he asked God to consider all that he had done and let him live. I mean, after all, was he not God's man? So God granted his request and before Isaiah had left the palace, God told him to turn back and tell Hez that he would live for another 15 years.

Interestingly enough, while he was allowed to live, Hez showed the envoy from Babylon everything that there was to see in the kingdom of Israel. In his desire to show off the riches that had been restored to Israel, he allowed the enemy to get in and make an assessment of the value and strength of Israel.

I've wondered about whether or not Hez was actually bosting or giving God the honor/glory, but my guess is that it was a moment of pride - something that he did b/c of where the Israelites used to be. They were down and barely surviving, and then God restored them to a place of glory. Through this, he inadvertently let the enemy see his weakness and thus opened Israel up to another invasion.

I've also been wondering about God's perspective in this whole thing. Did God say, "You want it? Fine - you get it," when he spared Hez's life? Was God cynical about the whole thing? Obviously God knew what was going on and what would happen in the future, but why did God really allow Hez to live? Was it just the catalyst for the invasion?

And now getting to the point of our lives...how often have we said, "God, just give it to me b/c I'm your child," and then received His gift to later wonder why we asked in the first place? Every good gift comes from above, but do we ever ask for too much? Sometimes when we ask, God allows us to have what we want, even though He knows that it may eventually trip us up in the future. It's like a kid asking for another piece of pizza after they've already had 3. Although we know they will be sick after eating the fourth piece, they relentlessly continue asking, because they really, really want it. So we allow them to have it and then sit back and laugh as they look miserable for the rest of the night.

Is that what God was thinking? Is that how He responded? Or was it merely an innocent, "Yes, my child, you may have the desire of your heart"? I'm just thinking out loud - I don't actually have an answer... :)

Neighborhood Spectacle

So, when my brother asked me to help trim the trees in our parents' yard, I didn't think that it would be this kind of experience...

If you know me well enough, you understand that I come from and live in a multicultural neighborhood. Doesn't really bother me much, so when people ask why I'm the only white guy on the block, it almost makes me wonder why they can't see for themselves. Bottom line, it's what I'm used to.

We went into the back yard with the saw and clippers and got everything set to work. We could smell Grandpa's (that's what we call the elderly Asian gentleman that lives next door) pipe tobacco and knew it was gonna be a good afternoon. Since both of us are so adept at trimming trees, neither of us thought anything about just whacking off the first limb that we could reach.

I'm generally considered the muscle of the family (satirical jest), I was the one who got to cart all of the hewn branches out to the street for the trash pick-up day. Actually, I think it was because Nate didn't trust me with the saw - don't blame him. On my first venture to the other side of the fence I had no idea that I would encounter such a fascinating sociological study. Rounding the corner, I immediately saw the family next door turn and stare. Normally a lot of people stare...so why was this different?

Each time that I went to neatly stack the branches out by the street, I was always conscious of eyes following me. In fact, at one point, Nate came out with me and commented that they must not have had a TV, because they couldn't stop watching us. One of the men, presumably in his 40's, literally stood in the middle of the lawn watching us. Sometimes his arms were folded as he watched with amusement on his face, while during other times he was on his cell phone...still watching.

I can't remember the last time that someone took such a fascinating interest in the trimming of trees, but I have to be honest, it was a little awkward. To have an entire family out on the front lawn watching us was just a different experience. Were they judging us for not doing it correctly? Were they simply amused? Was it just a fleeting attraction that allowed the passage of time? I'd like to say that I have an answer, but I think I'm still in awe. For whatever reason we were the neighborhood spectacle for an evening...oh well.