Letters to My Wife, Chapter 5

Do you remember the day that I asked you to marry me? Good grief - I was so nervous! All that day I couldn't get you off of my mind. I rehearsed the speech probably a thousand times, continually going over the nuances. In fact, I think I had proposed and responded with a 'no' about half of those times.

As I think back to that day, I have to remember the journey that took me there. We both know that I was arrogant and cocky before I met you. In fact, if we're being honest, my inner monologue probably went something like, "Why wouldn't she want me? I'm a pretty good candidate, so there's no way she can say no." I would probably have to apologize every day for the rest of my life if you weren't as forgiving as you are. I often ask myself what I was thinking with that attitude, but the only thing that I can come up with is, "I wasn't thinking."

Despite all of this, however, the thing that finally led me to ask you the question was the absence of all pride in our relationship. I had spent so many years thinking that I had life, love, and the pursuit of happiness figured out, that I completely lost track of the real goal: the journey. After spending some time with Pappy one day, he decided to share something that I never thought I would ever hear leave his lips. He said, "Bryan, your grandmother and I probably should've been divorced a thousand times over." Imagine my shock after hearing a man I fully esteem admit to failure. I couldn't believe that he would say something like this - not MY Pappy.

After trying to quiet my racing mind and get back on track with his story, I finally heard him say, "The reason we didn't quit was because of the children. When we both thought that there was no solution possible, we let go of our own idea of what was right in order to make our family work." Well, this brought Pappy down from the level of demi-god to human, and frankly, I wasn't sure if I liked it.

But I mulled over his statements and brought myself to the point of understanding the true meaning behind his words. The marriage was not about me. The relationship was not about me. In fact (and I know most of you already know this), nothing has ever been about me. Only after I realized this could I approach you with giving up your life for me. I couldn't ask you to do something that I was not willing to do myself; therefore, I was never going to ask you until I was sure that I could give myself up.

I had so much trouble withe my proposal speech, because nothing I could say made sense. Asking you to marry me was one-sided. Having you for my wife is one-sided. I've always come out on the winning end and in most cases I feel guilty for that. But, since you said 'yes', I figure that you realized this too and were still willing to go for it. And for that, I thank you!

Why Men Anger Me

Wait - aren't you a man? Yes, but I still get angry at myself...

I was watching Memoirs of a Geisha last night, because I think it's a wonderfully made film, but I found myself getting more and more ticked, the longer I watched it. I know that Japan has (and still does) a different society, but there are some things that should just be kept sacred.

For those of you unfamiliar with the world of the geisha, it is often seen through the lens of misconception - mostly due to the U.S. involvement in Japan during the time after World War II. But the life of a geisha originated from the idea that men needed to be entertained, because their wives and children were not the end-all to their family lives. In fact, Japan had such a loose culture when it came to sexual pleasure, that the wives were completely aware of the habit of courtesans and often encouraged their husbands to visit them. Geisha, however, were seen as the artists, not the prostitutes. While there were times in which sex was involved, they prided themselves on being able to entertain and entice men without the physical attachment.

But my problem doesn't so much lie with the fact that geisha separated themselves from the average prostitute, rather it has to do with the fact that there were courtesans in the first place. At what point did it become OK to live outside the marriage for things that a wife is supposed to provide? AND, when did it become acceptable to swap women as if they were property?

When I read Genesis 2, I see that God provided one woman for Adam, and that to be a compatible/suitable helper. As we read throughout the Bible, despite Hebrew culture, we see that women are to be respected and cared for. So when I see what has become of humanity, it disgusts me. Don't get me wrong, I'm as much a sinner as the next person; but I see that we are failing to produce men that stand up for what is right. In fact, we have plenty of men that fail to even stand up for their wives...If your wife has been disrespected or is in trouble, GOOD GRIEF, do something about it.

I know we have the saying, "Women: Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em," but I'm really starting to question the validity of manliness, chivalry, and virtue in today's society. And often, I think that I'm so sensitive to the matter, because of my own inability to avoid the pitfalls of society.

Males, if you want to call yourselves men, then I suggest we get back to the basics of Christian living. Honor her, because she is to be our "crown" (Proverbs 12).

The God of Bryan

I've been fascinated with the way that God is portrayed in the Old Testament - especially through the Pentateuch. Often people refer back to Him as the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, which reveals an intimate ownership or claim. I understand that Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob were the patriarchs of the Israelite tradition, but then He's also referenced as the God of Moses - the spiritual leader of that same tradition.

I'm guessing that Abraham didn't actually refer to God as the "God of Abraham", but he did claim Him as his Leader, Guide, and Creator. Abraham revealed Him to others and encouraged those same people to follow in his footsteps, in worshipping the God that created all life in the universe. If I am going to follow in Abraham's footsteps, I too want to lead others in worshipping our Lord and Savior. But, in order to do that, I want people to know that He is MY God...not just the God of my parents, not just the God of my church, but my God - my intimately close, but reverently far God.

When I say that He is the God of Bryan, it is my way of allowing accountability in public. People may say, "Wait Bryan, I thought you said that He was your God? So why haven't you proven it lately?" But, I would rather claim Him publicly and fail, then live very well but not bring anyone along with me on the journey. Doesn't He deserve to have our praise and our glory? Doesn't He deserve to be recognized for His amazing power and might? Doesn't He deserve my full and unswerving love? Then He also deserves my acknowledgement of these things.

I hope that you claim Him as your God. Not that He can be contained within a box or bent to your will; but rather that He is the only thing in your life worth living for. Give it a shot!

Letters to my Wife, Chapter 4

I'm thinking about the first time that I said, "I love you."

We've talked about the fact that love doesn't come easy to me. You know, as well as I do, that love is quite possibly the farthest thing from natural that I can think of. And yet, it's the most important command outlined in the Bible. So, when I think of all of the people to whom I have said, "I love you," most of them have been "I'm really trying hard to follow the commands of our Lord, so I am going to put forth every effort to make sure that love is a priority in our relationship" statements. But the first time that I made the statement to you, it was as natural as if I were saying it to one of my family members - it just made sense.

In Genesis 2:18, God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable (suitable) to him." This is the first time in which God actually notices something in His creation that is "not good". He was obviously concerned about the well-being of Adam; and since He had created Adam in His image, there was the need for a relational component.

I used to wonder about marriages in the Old and New Testaments. I had this notion that everything was a business deal - cold-hearted and political. But the more I consider God's original intent, I see that He was taking care of our needs (and I don't just mean sex and procreation). He was literally providing us with a suitable partner for sharing life.

So when I consider the first time that I said, "I love you," I remember the feeling of completion, knowing that when I was with you, I was "completely and incandescently happy" (to quote Pride and Prejudice - yes, I did). Being with you is no longer about who's right or wrong, although we know that still comes into play. It's no longer about status, power or pride, even if I do think that I'm the luckiest man in the world and that no one else compares. And it no longer seems to be about the competition over who wins in the end. It's just contentment - knowing that I am perfectly in the will of God for my life and that I have someone with whom I can share everything. And that's why saying, "I love you," was not forced, but seemed as natural as everything else in life.

Servitude

While reading Psalm 143, I was reminded of a concept that I had let slip away from my conscious thought. The Message states it in this way, "Keep up your reputation, God - give me life! In your justice, get me out of this trouble! In your great love, vanquish my enemies; make a clean sweep of those who harass me. And why? Because I'm your servant" (vv. 11-12). Why should God even consider any of this?? Because I have given my life in service to Him.

Servitude to Christ seems to be a lost art. In fact, in the United States, you rarely find someone willing to give themselves over as a slave to Christ. We give service to sin; we give service to others; we even give service to ourselves; but we don't give service to Christ. My question is "why"? Why am I (are you, are we) unwilling to give ourselves in complete surrender to Christ? And lip service doesn't count!

I'd like to consider the life of a real slave - someone in bondage to sin. You can take any sin, but for the sake of painting a clear picture, I'm going to use a very visual sin: sexual bondage. Now, most of us don't always think of fornication or adultery as bondage, but in truth it is. Giving oneself to someone in this manner (at least as far as the Bible is concerned) is the same as connecting or chaining or gluing ourselves to them. We have formed a connection that cannot be severed without pain, loss, and torture. In fact, when the person does separate from the other, they are continually reminded of the experience(s), because it is ingrained into their memory.

Now, consider this same act with multiple partners and you can begin to see why people are drawn to sex. It's no longer about the pleasure of the act, but rather about continually trying to fill the void of separation that has been formed from the first moment. To find healing, one can only turn to God, our true Healer. But, as a statement of self-worth and value, we tell ourselves that we can fix it on our own, and thus perpetuate the cycle.

Whether you see it now or not, this has an extremely negative effect on our emotions, our well-being, and our spiritual condition, because we have allowed someone else (or multiple people) to control our thoughts, feelings, and circumstances. When Paul tells us to take every thought into captivity, it's not for the sake of legalism, but rather for the purpose of pulling us out of the mire into which we continually sink on our own. This is the negative form of servitude.

But please allow me to consider the opposite - the positive form of servitude. If we were to take all of the energy and life that we pour into negative services and were to pour them into our service for God, all of the negative emotions, thoughts, and experiences would now be changed into positive ones. Servitude, or slavery, to God is no longer seen in the context of giving up our lives, but rather under the view that we are greatly impacted for the better because of knowing Him. Our weakness becomes our strength in Him. The more that we attach ourselves to God, the more that it hurts to tear ourselves away. The more that we glue ourselves to Him, the more we feel the hole of His absence. Through our bondage (consider the bonding process in this analogy) to Him, we have thus enable Him to be the one that controls our thoughts, feelings, and circumstances.

If I were to logically conclude that one view is better over the other, I can't deny the fact that allowing the Supreme Being in the universe to control my actions is an amazingly good thing. I can allow bondage to sin or I can allow bondage to God. When looking at this from a purely rational view, I have to judge that the only way to better my life is through service to God. Therefore, if I am to follow the footsteps of David into willful servitude of God, I have to stop thinking like Bryan. Interesting concept, ya?

Letters to my Wife, Chapter 3

Well, I understand that the question of purity has to come up at some point, so I might as well dive in. This letter, however, may be the hardest that I write, because talking about sex, intimacy, purity of though, and abstinence is, for me, a very private matter. However, in the attempt at full disclosure, I feel that it is necessary to continue on in honesty.

I saved myself for you - at least I thought I did. Growing up, I had this notion that sexual purity and abstinence was completely a physical thing. I mean, it's not like my dad didn't talk to me about lust or being a gentleman or all of those good things, because he did - quite awkwardly at times. But there are some things that you can only learn through failure that I had to experience for myself.

Recently, God has been teaching me about holistic purity: pure heart, mind, body, and soul. When I started my trek into puberty, I was only focused on one area - body. Dad said, "Don't look," so I tried not to. It wasn't because I didn't desire to look - because I did - but rather because I found myself constitutionally unable to purposefully disobey my father. If he told me to do something or not do something, I obeyed - even to the point of stupidity (but that's another 3 chapters). And I eventually found myself toeing the line, trying to see what I could and couldn't get away with as long as I obeyed my father. What I didn't realize throughout this process, was that I was more concerned about what my earthly father thought, than what my Heavenly Father though.

You ask, "Bryan, if you didn't touch her inappropriately or engage in sex outside of marriage, then how did you go wrong?" And my response would be, "In every way."

My father taught me to be a gentleman. I know that this is a lost cause in today's society, but I still believe in the virtue of chivalry and taking responsibility for one's actions. In my quest to become the man that my father is, I did just as much damage as good. How? By objectifying women, by selfishly making every relationship about me, by falling into the same traps that Satan lays for every other person out there. But worst of all, by thinking that I was superhuman.

Objectifying women is not just about physical appearance - although that also happened. Women desire to be loved, right (or so I'm told)? So how is keeping a young woman around just long enough to feel the warmth of a relationship and then leaving because you're not sure she's the "right fit" giving love? Wouldn't the better symbol of love be one that keeps you apart until you're sure? Caring more about her thoughts, feelings, and reactions more than giving in to the intimacy that you long for?

All of these thoughts bring me back to a central purpose in purity: a person can only be pure when then have emptied themselves of all inconsistencies and deformities. Because we are born into sin and have the impurities because of it, we can only be pure through remaining in God's refining fire. And that, my dear, is my new commitment to you - that I will allow God to purify me, so that I am no longer worried about my own sense of accomplishment. Nothing else really matters...

Spiritual Constipation

I started thinking about how I haven't had a chance to blog in awhile and my brain suddenly hit a spark - maybe you haven't been able to write, because you're constipated...spiritually of course. I mean, I've had a ton of ideas, but haven't been able to set any down. So it dawned on me that there could be more to the absence of new blogs than meets the eye. Recognizing that I don't necessarily want to be gross on purpose, the idea of spiritual constipation seems to be the only explanation that I can come up with.

Have you ever been at a place in life in which everything around you was so annoyingly obvious that you couldn't see the forrest through the trees? I've found that the annoyance of unaccomplishment (don't care if it's a real word at this point) seems to be the most intriguing part of this situation. But as I consider these ideas, I am reminded of a statement by John Ortberg,"If you need to try harder, then try harder. If you need to try softer, then try softer."

Which drives me to another conclusion...If I'm the one doing the trying, I'm not allowing God to do anything. Now, this is not an argument for challenging God, nor is it an excuse for not trying. But it does remind me that Christ requests that we allow Him to share our burdens - you know - something along the lines of "My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

So I am challenged to find a way through this. I have the option to rely on Christ and I have the alternative of trying to do it myself. If I really care enough about myself to make the change, then I have to consider which option has more spiritual fiber. There is no way that anything involving myself is spiritually good, because I know from past experiences that I am mostly junk food. Therefore I am left with only one option: relying on Christ. Don't get me wrong - I don't think that this is a bad option, nor do I consider it a last alternative. I'm merely stating that after exhausting all possibilities on my own, it's time to reconsider God's request for a meaningful relationship with me.

I have no idea if any of you are spiritually constipated, but I offer this - Christ died so that our burden would be easier. There was no way for us to meet God on our own, so He gave us a solution that was perfect. Resting in Jesus' power seems to be elusive if we cling to our own. So let go of yourself and rest in Him.