Space Mountain

Yes - it is one of my favorite rides at Disneyland. That not withstanding, I now have a complex about the ride, due to a series of complications that my family and I faced one year while enjoying our time at the happiest place on earth. The words that follow are now as accurate a description as I can portray from the agony that arose from Space Mountain: The Ride of Shame. Consequently, this also happens to be the second Disneyland story to complicate my life...which makes me start to wonder...

It was a day to start off the summer season. My family and I were in Anaheim for my sister's graduation and decided that at least one day during our trip should be dedicated to the Disneyland monument. Since Space Mountain is one of our favorite rides, it was definitely in the queue to visit - and by visit, I mean about 3-4 times (obviously in between fits of stuffing our faces with the most glorious food available). 

Standing in line during our first visit got us to thinking about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness. While enjoying our time in line, we decided to see if we could shake the walkway that crosses over the actual roller coasters. We thought it hilarious that when all of us jumped at the same time, we were able to shake the walkway. At the same time, we were also a little surprised and scared that we were able to shake the walkway.

There were 12 of us for the first trip, so we took up a full roller coaster. As an aside, I think that being able to fill your own coaster is awesome, because then others don't have to deal with the annoyance of your incredibly awkward personal jokes and obnoxious laughter. We were already screaming at the top of our lungs when we pulled up the first 10 feet to the control tower. We waited, and waited, and waited, but were not allowed to proceed. Instead of going to the right, we were steered to the left.

At this point, I didn't know that there was a problem. I actually thought we were going through a secret tunnel - stupid, I know, but my imagination is amazingly vivid. Secondary thoughts racing through our heads were ones of guilt...wondering if we were in trouble for causing so much ruckus on the walkway. The attendant told us that the coaster's speakers were broken and that we would have to go on the next one. We insisted that they were working just fine, since we could hear them right next to our ears, but they wouldn't listen to 'reason'. They split us up and we took two different carts...totally not the same experience.

Not wishing to have a ruined experience, we went back later on that night. By the time we actually got to the coasters it was nearing 8:30-9pm. Hungry and extremely excited we, once again, boarded a coaster. Our family completed a full roster of 12, but there were 1 or 2 replacements from the previous trip. We pulled up to the control tower and waited. And waited. After about 2 minutes (an eternity in roller coaster time), we were guided to the left, only this time we went through the curtains that were blocking our path before. We were taken to a back room where we waited to see what the attendant had to say.

He politely asked us to get out of the cart, because it was broken and they needed to put us into another one. We said that this had already happened earlier in the day and that we didn't believe that the cart was actually broken. At this, the attendant looked at us with a start and asked what had happened. After we conveyed the short version of the story, he looked down with a sheepish grin and a slightly embarrassed look in order to regain his momentary loss of composure. When he looked up he said, "There's no easy way to say this. The coaster is too heavy. There is a maximum weight limit in order for the coaster to function properly, and you have exceeded it."

At this, the majority of us were caught with fits of laughter, so much to the point that the attendant didn't know what to do. He looked up at us with surprise, since he was unsure of how to react, and when we told him that this was the funniest thing that had happened all day (besides, of course, the Eel Man story, which was related to you in a previous blog), he felt comfortable enough to lose his embarrassment and join in on the laugh.

After that, there was no stopping us from having fun. He split us up - 6 of us took up a coaster of our own, while the other six were with three kids, not older than 12. As we went through the ride, which was one of my most thrilling experiences through Space Mountain, we found ourselves screaming at the top of our lungs. Upon exiting the ride, we were immediately funneled through to the Spaceport cafeteria. Seeing as how we had just impressed the amazingly awesome attendant with our ability to stop a coaster twice in one day, we headed straight to the cafeteria for our 9pm meal.

I never stop remembering or retelling this story every time that I ride on Space Mountain. It seems cruel that I would have to suffer through two Disneyland experiences in one trip (the second being the Eel Man as previously stated), but you hardly get a story better than this to tell your grandchildren. I hope this has brought joy to your day.

The Eel Man

Once upon a time, when I was much younger and much leaner, I went to Disneyland. Now, for those of you that know me, you will recognize the significance of this story as it relates to the joy in my life. I am an avid Disneyland fan for many reasons, one of which is Space Mountain (information on this ride will be forthcoming with a new post). The most amazing ride - EVER. But, I digress..

It happened on a warm evening in May, around the time of my younger sister's graduation. The entire family (including extended family) were gathered at Disneyland in celebration of my younger sister's accomplishment. I won't go into details about her flaunting the fact that she graduated in 3.5 years, while I only did it in 4, because this story needs to contain the joy of my life through this time. We had gathered on Main Street to watch the Princess Parade - no, it was not my idea, nor my choice. While waiting we entertained ourselves with the priceless tricks from the magic shop. Tricks like...the dollar snatcher.

After waiting for about 20 minutes, the music finally came through the speakers on the street and the announcement that the parade was starting brought joy to our hearts (yes, this is a moment for Leonard to hold up Sheldon's sarcasm sign). The parade began and carried on with it's usual girlishness (despite the number of male dancers observed making a mockery of everything we consider to be masculine). About halfway through the parade came Ariel float (from the Little Mermaid for those of you less versed in Disney mythology).

At this point in the parade I didn't think anything of the Ariel float, because I didn't like the movie. Well, I take that back - I probably looked upon it with distaste. But while carrying on in my semi-conscious state, I was surprised with a sudden fear that usually accompanies those closest to death. There...staring straight at me were two beady, yellow eyes. Never had I seen anything so gross as these bulging eyes. I was immediately conscious of other pairs of eyes upon me as my family watched with horror and anticipation. Slowly the fear in their eyes turned to laughter as they watched the following scene play out.

I followed the yellow eyes to their owner - an eel. I followed the eel, suspended as it was from a pole, to its owner - a man. I remember, very vividly, the look of the man as he peered down into my eyes for what seemed an eternity. He was of dark complexion and slim - not fit, but rather gaunt. His lack of girth also contributed to his slender head and the way that his own eyes bulged out looking back at me. In retrospect, I am unsure as to whether or not his eyes were bulging out of passion or merely physical appearance. In any case, it seems as if he was intent on staring me down.

He wore a body stocking that hugged his body very nicely (speaking in terms that women would understand, for I was not attracted to him). The blue and purple body stocking included a cap, which sealed off his head and made him look as if he were wearing plastic wrap, rather than a costume. I include these minute details, because they help to transfer the reader to another place and time - one that I was extremely anxious to leave.

So that is his description. Now I shall relate to you his actions...

His lips were pursed as if showing off his best fish face. I remember that part, because I thought he wanted to kiss me. His body waved to and fro as if he were a member of the ocean community, just going with the flow of the tide. And there was something about his hips...they rocked with the attitude of lust, rather than the grace of a dancer. His body and limbs all formed one cohesive unit with the eel, so as to transfer his rocking motion from the hips to the lips of the animal. Since the lips of the eel were the closes unit to me (a mere 2 inches away), I found it hard to pull myself away. I was drawn in as the bugs are drawn to the light.

During this entire escapade, I wondered what my family was doing. Surely they hadn't left me all alone with the wolf! As I peered out of the corner of my eyes, I could see them, chuckling violently and holding their sides so that their stomachs wouldn't burst. Did anyone support me? NO! Did anyone find a way to distract the eel man? Absolutely NOT! There I was, a mockery of all things foolish, set up on display for the world to get a laugh. Even now, I can't live up to the shame of those two dreadfully long minutes of terror. Anytime the eel man is brought up in casual conversation, I find my face going flush and my mind starts to spin. Trust me - it's not out of desire for the man, but rather the humiliation of having him come on to me so strongly.

If there is any consolation, it is this - that you might get a chuckle from the pain of my past. I hope you enjoyed this session as there will be more to come. Until then, God bless!

The Rally's Incident

At some point, each and every one of us turns back to a point in our lives that plays on in infamy. For me, one of those times (there will be more to come) is the Rally's incident. As those in my office will attest to, the Rally's incident is much more than a story of passion and love, but also one of pure hilarity that decreases my life with each telling. Therefore, I am laying it all out in word, to prevent the need for future retellings.

As many of you know, Rally's (AKA Checkers in other parts of the world) is one of my favorite fast food places. At one point in my life, I frequented Rally's with the tenacity of a teen-aged boy that is filling his appetite by emptying each and every cupboard in the house. That changed one September day when I stopped by Rally's to pick up dinner before class.

It was a Monday evening - not quite dark, but getting there. As I pulled up to the window, there was a woman there to welcome me with her wonderful smile. OK - to be honest, she hadn't yet turned to me, because she was hanging halfway out of the window yelling to her friend across the parking lot, 'Aight boo, I'll talk to you later. Love ya babe.' Then she quickly added in a tone that only I could hear, 'Even if you didn't get me anything for my birthday.' I said to myself, 'Self, that's interesting...I wonder if she actually likes that person.' Then Shaniqua (a name given by the wonderful staff with whom I work due to the fact that her real identity should remain anonymous) turned to me and grunted, 'Mmmm, you are lookin' SEXY today.'

Luckily for me, I was still wearing my sunglasses. I didn't have the temerity to respond, so I just looked up and smiled. She said, 'Now I may just be gettin' tired, but mmhmm, you are lookin' good.' Normally one would take this as a compliment. I, however, was rather embarrassed and did everything that I could to avoid eye contact - oh wait, I was still wearing sunglasses. She took my money and then disappeared into the window.

By this time another worker had brought my meal, but I was still waiting for Shaniqua to bring me my change. When she finally reappeared at the window she said, 'Why you bring him his food so fast, I wanted to look at him longer,' to her coworker. At this point, the only thing I could think about was getting my money and leaving, which I did rather promptly.

Now, many people have offered advice as to how to handle a situation like this. Some have suggested that I should have played along with the game. Others suggested that I report her for coming to work in a drunken stupor. All the same, at that moment in time I was frozen to the point of immobility and scared to open my mouth and say something stupid. Not that it would have been any worse than her comments, but really...I was at a loss for words.

As you read this, just remember my friends at Rally's and stop by every once in a while to see if you can spot Shaniqua. This is a true story, but now it's out and I can rest in peace.