A Longing In My Heart

To borrow the phrase from Dannah Gresh (in today's D6 Conference), I am emotionally wealthy at the moment. What does that mean? It means that my emotions are super-charged and am have wasted at least half - if not all - of my ability to cry. So, the rest of this post is an explanation of the longing in my heart.

Many of these emotions are derived from our most recent church split. Over the last 7 years, Harmony Church has gone through a succession of three pastoral resignations. For a church, that is a lot of turnover. I remember reading Doug Fields' Your First Two Years in Youth Ministry, and in that he tells the story of a girl who had 5 different small group leaders during the course of her 6-year participation in youth group. That much change can wear on a person. That much change has worn on me. I'm not planning to leave, but I have been left with scars - things that don't ever go away.

In addition to that, past feelings that I thought were put to rest have, once again, been drummed up. I thought I was content with being single. I know that you probably don't want to spend much time reading this part, but I feel compelled to share part of this experience. When we had our church business meeting (two weeks ago), I was forced to think about my brother's recent engagement. Knowing that my future sister-in-law was new to the church, I wondered what she thought about our fighting and squabbling during the business meeting. I also wondered what it would have been like, if I were recently engaged and living through this event with a fiance.

Would she be upset over this? Why would she want to be with someone who had committed his life to working in the church, if this was the mess that she could look forward to? Why would anyone even want to consider me as a future spouse, knowing the conflict that I would face? Why would I want to make this my life, my goal, my passion?

Obviously, these were rhetorical questions, but I found myself wondering them. And, I found myself revisiting the previous issue of singleness, wondering if I was truly content.

Now, to add another lay to this complexity, I am leaving the freshly wounded church, to fly out to Dallas and attend a conference about keeping people healthy within the family of God - ironic. In the morning session, however, we heard from David Platt - a man with whom I was previously unfamiliar. Following an encouraging talk from Doug Fields, Platt proceeded to kick our butts. Very simply summarized, there are too many unsaved people in this world to continue playing Christian. There is a calling more profound than anything we have ever known and that is to follow Christ, with everything that we have and with all that we are.

In Luke 9:57-62, Jesus talks about the cost of being a disciple. The cost, however, is not something that we are prepared for - leaving behind all that we have, including family. This doesn't mean that we shouldn't love our families or work hard to train them in the ways of the Lord. It does mean, however, that we are undeniable called to seek Christ's Kingdom, despite our family. Christ is not a means to an end. He IS the end.

Couple this with my previous thoughts and it seems that I have nothing left to stand on. What I perceive to be a "hard time" or a difficult situation to deal with, really looks stupid in comparison to the ultimate goal of the Kingdom. Why has Harmony Church gone through this pruning? Why am I left to the life of a single male? Why are each and everyone of us faced with difficult situations? Does it really matter, when compared to the larger goal of the Kingdom?

Christ has called us to join Him on His journey, and most of the time, all we can think about is our own selfish ambitions. When are we going to catch the vision for His Kingdom work? We have talked for so long about needing the vision from a pastor, but the vision has already been cast! All we have to do is open our eyes to see it!

We live in a wicked and depraved world that tells us that we're bad if we judge people and mad if we take a stand for justice. Look around us! People, on every street corner, are looking for justice - they just can't stand a righteous Judge. We have been so timid to preach that vision, it just proves our selfishness in not taking a stand.

I, for one, can no longer stand to sit on the sidelines, when billions of people remain unreached for the cause of Christ. I can't let the church stand in the way. I can't let my own timidity stand in the way. I can't let ME stand in the way.

I'm sitting here in the hotel room and Chris has "God of this City" playing as a reminder of the vision that we have already been given. We have been called to rise up and follow Christ by reaching the lost of our world. I, for one, don't intend for mission to be put on the shelf for another day - we are called NOW!

This renewed longing in my heart is what I should've been passionate about during all of this conflict. Whether inner turmoil or exterior anger management, I can't lose sight of the fact that God has wrapped His indelible Spirit around His me for the purpose of protecting and guiding me into the next generation of winning souls for His Kingdom. This longing is an awakening to the true potential of all believers, and shouldn't be quieted for the world.

No matter what you have been going through, know this - Christ is here to save us from our depravity and give us a new life, a new Spirit, and a new vision. You are called to be one of His children.

Leave me your feedback on God's specific call for you to take His message to the world! I'd love to hear from you.